I’m a Nut

I’m a nut. Ask anyone who knows me well and I’m sure they would agree. My close family despair of me, I’m sure.

‘Head in the clouds, and doesnt know his arse from his elbow, most of the time’ might be the assessment from my very smart and capable, feet firmly on the ground brother-in-law. And I’d agree, up to a point. I personally havent shat from my elbow, nor attempted to give anyone a forearm-jab using my bottom, so I’d disagree with the arse and elbow statement. But I AM a Nut, and I actively seek to keep my head in the clouds at all times.

I fit one of the agreed profiles for nut-jobs.

It all started when I was 9 years old, walking to school on a particularly unpleasantly dark and misty morning. My younger brother was with me. There is a main arterial road which runs from Stevenage town centre out to various housing estates, and it separated the housing estate we lived on from the school. We were obliged to wait for a retired pensioner, wearing a fluorescent yellow coat and wielding his characteristic round warning sign on a pole, to guide us safely across the road.

Our well-loved ‘Lollipop man’ must have been in his late 70’s, and had thick pebble lens glasses and was also somewhat deaf, and wore a large hearing aid. Eventually, with no sign of traffic, he stepped into the road and beckoned us across. My brother Malcolm, as usual, was one of the first to cross. He was a fairly hyper-active kid who seemed to get into all sorts of scrapes very easily. Little did he know that he was about to get into his very last scrape.

Without any warning, it suddenly became apparent that there WAS a car heading up the road from the Town Centre, and on hindsight I believe that he was travelling at some speed. All we knew of it was a sudden screeching of brakes, a couple of sickening thuds, and then a sudden eruption of screaming and general hysteria. I watched it all happen in horrified slow-mo.

And when I got shepherded across the road, it was my turn to join in the hysterical screaming, as I couldn’t see or find my brother. I did however spot a broken looking doll underneath the back of the car, and it seemed to be wearing my brother’s raincoat.

And that’s pretty much all I remember of that day. I apparently become uncontrollably hysterical for most of the day, and was confined to the school’s  medical room and looked after by the school nurse all day. When my parents eventually came to pick me up, they looked pretty broken too. When we got home, they told me the bad news. My younger brother had gone to hospital in an ambulance, but had fallen asleep before they had got there. And he wasnt going to be coming home. In later years, I was to discover that he had sustained a fractured skull and a ruptured liver and spleen. It also transpired that at the inquest, the Lollipop man had accepted full responsibility for the accident, and died shortly after, a broken man. I have no idea what became of the car-driver, but if he’s still alive, i imagine he’s had just as hellish a life as I’ve had since that day. He’s probably just as nutty as me.

Psychological counselling was not around in those days. It was decided that I would be better off not attending the funeral. A session with the School’s educational psychologist was considered, but not taken up. I was left to ‘come to terms with it in my own time’. I became almost catatonic in my withdrawal, and remained a very quiet, socially awkward fucked-up person throughout my teenage years, and finally started to come out of myself when I went off to University.

However, by that point I had learned the value of drinking to excess, and had also discovered the value of smoking a lot of cannabis resin as a sleep-aid. So when I got to UEA, I continued with my heavy drinking and pot-smoking, and not surprisingly missed out on a lot of classwork and associated marks towards my degree course. And so I got kicked out of the University at the end of my first year.

But that was OK. By then, I knew that I was a hopeless basket-case , living in a more and more surreal world where lying to my parents about most aspects of my life had become the norm.

The way I felt back then, I would have been happy to have got smashed one night and never woken up again. And yet here I am, some 40 years and 2 nervous breakdowns later.

I’m still a nut of course. After my first nervous breakdown, I had a brief course of counselling and was encouraged to grieve for my dead brother. I tried hard, but the feelings were buried too deeply and although there were some tears as I asked my parents all sorts of questions, trying to reconnect with them, my brother and indeed my own humanity, ultimately my deep-seated PTSD would not start to be excised until I had just turned 50, when I had my second nervous breakdown as my 2nd marriage fell apart. I then lucked out with a private psychotherapist, who over the course of 8 weekly 2 hour sessions managed to carefully and skilfully guide me into revealing my many onion layers and the full truth of my situation finally became apparent.

And so on the 7th session, she said ‘I think you may be suffering with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD’ and when I did some research about the subject, I realised she probably was right, the usual symptoms of the condition fitted me to a tee.

Sadly, my therapist was due to leave the practise and move across country. She arranged for one of her colleagues to take over. On our last session together, my therapist told me that her expertise was in Jungian psychology, and that she believed that Jung’s ideas may be helpful to me.

Oddly enough, her replacement came into our first session, declaring that she was NOT a Jungian and had no intention of going into Jungian methods. And so I gave her my 20 quid and told her where to stick it and walked out.

And that’s when my path to relative sanity began. I read lots of Jung’s books and did indeed find them very helpful.

When I had started my course with my Jungian therapist, I was regularly smoking some severely strong weed which on hindsight contributed to the final breakup of the marriage. But the damage was already done, and the feelings of paranoia and rage that was I going through just accelerated the process. In my wacked-out state, I had come to the conclusion that I was possibly the reborn Jesus Christ, and she hadn’t pooh-poohed the idea.

So you see, I at that point could easily have become a Certified nut.  But the research did pay off, and I came to realise what a nutty notion that was. About this this time, I also started reading HH the Dalai Lama’s books. And came to realise that everyone is Jesus Christ reborn. It just depends on you working at being the best human you can be, to become more like Jesus.
Roy Harper has a great line in one of his songs, ‘Twelve hours of sunset’ which has always stayed with me:

I used to think I wasn’t mad
But now I know its all I  had
Can hope be lost? Or only seeming

These daze, I am content to be a crazy nut. Its the source of a lot of my creativity. Some of my ideas are well and truly out there. Others seem to be feasible and worth pursuing. My life’s work these days is to try and figure out which ideas are actually quite wacky and which are not.

And then there are those ideas which come to me, which are nuttier than a nut-loaf with an extra helping of  nuts, but which my inner voice tells me are pure gold.

Such as this one, which bubbled up out of nowhere fairly recently.

We are beginning to see an increase in people with enhanced mental abilities, such as telepathy, psychokinesis, far-viewing, astral travelling and the like.

We are also aware that various nuts resemble parts of the human body, especially various organs. And the alternative-health folks would have you believe that these nuts are somehow beneficial to those organs.

So my question is: If a walnut looks like a brain, should I eat lots of them to increase my brain-power?

And if my brain-power IS increased, does that not mean that my brain IS ITSELF a nut as well.

Cos if so, I can foresee a day when we’ll need to crack our heads open and let our nuts grow out in the wild.

But don’t mind my blethering. I’m just a nutcase

walnutsbrain imaging



  1. Opher · August 11, 2015

    A sad tale. So many people are traumatised by similar events. I think that war does that too. We have to find ways of healing. Talking and writing is cathartic, sharing is cathartic and music is healing.
    I’m a nut too. I don’t know what my excuse is. I don’t have any traumatic experiences. I had an idyllic childhood. I’ve always been a ‘bit lively’, restless, enquiring, different and described in much the same terms as yourself.
    We’re unique!! We live – we breathe but above all we think and create!!!
    That’s probably enough. Our strangeness gives us greater powers – we see things differently!
    All the best to you!!
    We share lots


    • eeyorn the space donkey · August 11, 2015

      Thanks Opher. It seems to me that PTSD is actually quite pernicious and many people suffer from it in some form or another. As you say, its a much-visited problem for soldiers in combat, and my heart goes out to all the military personnel affected by feelings of horror, guilt and the realisation that they have duped into going into combat.

      How you actually deal with it, seems to be a factor in what sort of life you have. If you’re able to properly grieve a loved one’s passing, however they went, you can eventually pick up the reins and lead a happy successful life. If the grieving is delayed or suppressed, or there are other emotional problems associated with the death – in my case I also carried an extra heavy burden of guilt, and that is often typical of severe PTSD sufferers – then things can get very difficult. The saving grace is that if you do manage to break from PTSD’s shackles, I think that you emerge as a much stronger person, very caring, and very creative.


  2. Opher · August 11, 2015

    PS – I don’t think walnuts think but I’m not sure. We’re all nuts together!


    • eeyorn the space donkey · August 11, 2015

      Ah..but did you ask any walnuts, still happily connected into the tree’s life support system? I think there’s a whole new area of research that needs to be undertaken 🙂


  3. Andrew · August 11, 2015

    What a sad journey man, rather similar to some long term [since 1984!] shite in my life when it all went upside down when dad was killed by the police and affected my sister, mother, his step-brother, aunts, my marriage/health & kids and still going on! Now you know why I drink and smoke similarly. Have just booked my Irish West coast holiday [including Clonakilty guitar festy] and Scottish West Islands coast from 21st Sept for two weeks. Cars big enough to sleep in and campsites got showers etc… So if you know anyone wants a one way trip from Hampshire to Clon it’ll only cost them £30 ferry /£20 diesel but then they have to find their own way home coz I’m off travelling as long as my bad back don’t let me down? The good news is that my ex & kids are all retaining the love for ever within our little nest even though I’m pretty much impossible to live with! Luv u bro take care…. where were you at SOL festy? x


    • eeyorn the space donkey · August 12, 2015

      Hi Andi,
      Yes I realised some years back that we were 2 similar peas in a pod. And yes, I do worry about your continuing love affair with the bottle. Still, its your liver and brain that’s suffering most, and that’s your choice. I still enjoy a beer or 2 now and then, but its very rare that I drink heavily anymore. And its the same with the puff, I enjoy it when i can afford it, but am just as happy without. I do need to give up smoking tobacco though. Mostly these days I drink distilled water – I bought myself a water distiller – and have seen a remarkable improvement in my general health and much greater clarity in my thinking.

      I’d very much like to join you for the Clonakilty Festival, if only for the offchance of seeing Roy perform again. However, its all up in the air at the moment as we need to move house early Sept. I didnt make it to the SoL party, the bloody DWP have been screwing me around for some weeks now on my new JSA claim which I initiated in June, and finally got my first payment through a couple of weeks ago. The payment delays meant I didnt have petrol for the trip down to darkest Kent…..grrrr.


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