The Toffee-Nosed Bugle (TOFFS) – Inaugaural edition 23 May 2015

The idea for this blog came from a typically to-and-fro piece of silliness between me and a recently re-hooked up old FB friend who I first came across during the days when it was a real struggle for me to put together a page worth of coherent thought. I’ve lifted my friends contributions directly, and she is welcome share equal copyright on any article in this series.

Hello all and welcome to our new community newsletter for the Toffee Nose Street area. As you know, this is an excitingly new and genuinely cosmopolitan development, and we hope that our unique mix of residents are nicely balanced and you/we all get along well and contribute to the community’s greater good.

First of all, eeyorn the space donkey at number 48 has kindly invited the whole neighbourhood over to his place for a get-together, barbecue and star-gazing session on Midsummer Day. Quite how everyone is going to fit in is anyone’s guess, but eeyorn assures me he has a mate from Galifrey who’ll be helping out on the day. With luck.

We’ve been following eeyorn round as he’s been handing the invites out. He waits for a couple of the wives to finish their conversation:

Mrs IDS: Oh Hello Mrs DWP
Mrs DWP: Oh Hello Mrs IDS
Mrs IDS: Busy day?
Mrs DWP: Busy day, just spent 4 hours burying the disabled
Mrs IDS: Burying the disabled?
Mrs DWP: Yeah, wouldn’t keep still wriggling and rolling all over the place
Mrs IDS: Oh they weren’t dead then?
Mrs DWP: No but they weren’t at all well stock…

And he’s half-listening in on his new friend Elaine’s conversation:

‘Funny you should say that I’ve just been reading a book about how to get rid of Schroedingers’ immigrants (you know the ones who are taking our jobs and claiming our benefits when the rules won’t actually allow most of them to do either and getting everything while ours don’t get anything unless they are faking it) and those dirty lazy people we hear so much about who laze about on the streets being homeless…..
Apparently you can either starve them or hit them over the head with the book…’

Elaine and eeyorn hit it off a few weeks ago at the get together of a friend of a friend, I think it was perhaps Renee’s do, and both being wacky thinkers, they’ve been bouncing silly ideas off each other since

etsd: Umm, Ladies? Hi my name’s eeyorn the space donkey and as we’ve all just moved here I thought it would be nice to get everyone together for a barbecue round at my place. As I understand it you are both actual Ladies of the Realm and so deserve respect from us lower mortals and animals, so I apologise if I’m being too forward here. On my home world of Equus, every animal is equal.

Elaine: Oh there you are Betsy. I see you may have been about to meet my new Space Donkey friend. Don’t let his looks fool you. I think he’s a bit of a Space Cowboy on the quiet

Mrs DWP:  My Gosh, Betsy come over here quickly, look who I’ve been accosted by?

Mrs IWP: Oh good grief what undeserving lost cause have you discovered now, Jan?

Mrs DWP: Don’t mind her eeyorn, her bark is much worse than her bite. Though in your case her bite might be quite pleasurable too (licks lips)

Harrrrumph!!! Anyhow….eeyorn the space donkey may I present to you the Hon. Elizabeth Wynne Fremantle, who may in time allow you to call her Betsy. She is the eldest daughter of Commander John Tapling Fremantle, 5th Baron Cottesloe, 6th Baron Fremantle, DL JP RN who is a Baron in the Peerage of the United Kingdom and an Austrian nobleman.

etsd: Uhhhh hello your……Grace? Did I get that right? Lady Elizabeth, its a pleasure to meet you
HEWF: Oh I’ve an idea the pleasure may be all mine, if I play my cards right *winks*

Pictured: Lady Windermere (Scarlett Johansson) and her fan

Pictured: Lady Windermere (Scarlett Johansson) and her fan

Jethro Tull – Hunting Girl


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